Hannah's birth story

As I listened to my dear friend tell the story of her daughter's birth yesterday, I was struck by the fact that I've never actually written down Hannah's birth story!  Although I doubt she'll ever want to hear the nitty gritty details, I want to remember them, because giving birth was an awesome experience - in the sense that I was filled with awe, not in the "that burrito was awesome" sense.  So here it goes.  Beware - this is a long story.

I was 41 weeks pregnant, and although I was having constant contractions, they weren't painful and they weren't productive.  We went in to the doctor for an ultrasound, non-stress test, and the regular check up to make sure the baby was still "thriving" (their word).  The news was frustrating - I wasn't at all dilated and the ultrasound showed that the baby was big - 9 lbs.  Thankfully, the baby didn't show any signs of distress, just completely uninterested in coming out.

Our doctor was concerned that if the baby got much bigger, I would have trouble delivering her and might need a C-section - not the news any pregnant woman wants to hear - so she was scheduling my induction for Sunday afternoon.  I asked if we could go to the hospital immediately, but she said it would be worth giving my body a few more days to make progress, and hopefully help with a successful induction.

I was nervous panicked completely freaked out.  My mom was 3 weeks late with me, was induced, went through 48 hours of labor, and ended up with a C-section.  It seemed like I was headed for the same fate.

Fast forward to Sunday afternoon.  Surrounded by both sets of grandparents-to-be, I ate a turkey sandwich, an apple, and chips to prepare for the upcoming clear-liquid diet, and we headed to the hospital.  We kissed our parents goodbye in the waiting room and headed in.

Since we had a "reservation", the nurses had kindly given us one of the big rooms, since we'd likely be there a little longer than most.  I got hooked up to the necessary machines and our first doctor came in to do the induction.  Typically, inductions are started by inserting a drug called Cervadil to "ripen" the cervix.  Unfortunately, because I was having so many contractions already, the doctor wasn't able to use this method, and instead opted for a Foley balloon catheter.

If you want to know how it works, google it.  For now, I'll just say it was intensely painful.  Alex and I spent the night walking the halls, watching a movie on our computer, and walking some more.  I was in a lot less pain when I was standing, but eventually, I had to lie down and try to sleep.

The next morning around 5:00 AM, the doctor came back to check my progress - turns out, the balloon had worked!  I was 2 cm dilated and they were ready to start Pitocin - the labor inducing drug.  When they give you Pitocin, they also give you IV fluids, which for my already swollen legs and feet, was problematic after awhile - my legs were killing me and my feet looked ready to burst.

After gradually increasing the Pitocin all morning, I started feeling painful contractions.  I bounced on the birthing ball, did some more hallway walking, watched a movie.  When the doctor came back to check on me that afternoon, I was 4.5 cm - progress!  In the course of the exam, my water broke, and there was meconium in it - not totally unexpected because I was so late, but important to keep an eye on when the baby was born.

Over the next several hours, I attempted a shower, kept changing positions, and the contractions kept getting worse.  A good sign, right?  But when the doctor came back to check a few hours later - no progress.  Still about 5 cm.  It had been 24 hours since the induction began and I was only halfway there.  And I was in agony.

I think this is the point where Alex was the most terrified.  I was in a lot of pain, shaking, and I knew I wouldn't make it another 12 hours, so I asked for the epidural.  In the end the epidural was a great decision, but the process of getting it inserted was horrible.  Maybe the worst part of the whole experience.  As I was enduring the worst contractions yet, I had to sit up, hunched over a pillow, attempting to stay perfectly still as the anesthesiologist inserted a needle into my spine.  45 minutes and three attempts later, I finally had some relief.  My neck and shoulders were killing me from the process, but it was worth it.

I don't remember much about that night - just the music.  I had made three playlists for the hospital, and one was soothing music.  Those songs gave me something to focus on, something to take my mind off of the swollen legs, aching neck, the constantly running blood pressure cuff, and the contractions.  I think I actually got some sleep.

At some point in the middle of the night, I was checked again - 8 cm!!!  It felt like a miracle.  Maybe I could actually do this after all.  I was checked again several times, and the nurse did some stretching to try and move the process along.  This part is all pretty hazy too, but finally, we were there.  10 cm.  I was ready to push.

All told, I pushed for about an hour and a half, but I had no concept of time - I would have said 30 minutes probably.  After some time, the nurse said she could see the head - Alex took a peek, and one glance was enough for him :)  After lots of pushing, the baby seemed stuck, and the doctor very calmly said that he wanted to use a vacuum to help get the baby out.  Only later did I find out that the baby was showing signs of distress from the cord being wrapped around her neck.  At the time, I would have done anything to get that baby out - yes, bring on the vacuum.

As I pushed, he pulled, until finally...it was over.  She was out!  I kept asking "what is it, what is it", Alex couldn't see, and finally the nurse said, "it's a girl!".  On Tuesday February 19, at 5:36 AM, 36 hours after the induction began, our Hannah was born.

The emotions at that point were completely overwhelming - I had done it.  I delivered a baby.  And it was a girl!!!  We were convinced it would be a boy, but here was this (not-so-tiny) girl on my chest.  I had a daughter.  A beautiful 8 lb 14 oz, 21 inches long, healthy daughter.  It was awesome.

Slack

People often ask me how it's going, working from home and taking care of the baby and keeping up with all of the mundane tasks required by adulthood, and most of the time, I like it a lot, especially now that she is on a more consistent schedule, taking longer naps, and going to bed at a regular bedtime.

But there are days when I don't like it, when Hannah has a fussy day and I need to focus on her, or when a bunch of work emails come in at once and I can't find the time to focus on them.  Or both.  It's on these days that I am learning one of my toughest parenting lessons so far - cutting myself slack.

I'm the type of person that likes to go to bed with an empty inbox, a completed to-do list, and an empty sink, and on some days, that is a tall order.  I expect a lot of myself, and historically, that has been a great attribute because it keeps me motivated, but I get into trouble when I can't meet my own expectations.

I guess what I'm learning is that God gives me grace for those days when I feel like a lousy parent or a slacker employee or a rude wife, and I need to give myself grace too.  This is not an excuse for bad behavior, but when I screw up, I need to apologize if I unloaded my stress onto someone else and then move on, because there are so many more victories to celebrate than defeats to wallow in.

Two recent examples.

The night before Hannah's dedication, she started sprouting a second tooth.  I was up with her on and off from 2:30 - 4:00am, before she finally settled back to sleep.  Then I decided to wake her up at 7:00 like usual, so that she could get her nap in before the service at 11:00.  Well, she didn't want to nap and it took about 45 minutes and lots of tears (from both of us, if I'm being honest) just to get her to sleep, only to have to wake her up 30 minutes later so we wouldn't be late for church.  It was brutal, I was frustrated, and I let it get the best of me.  Parental failure.

Yesterday, I made my first batch of baby food.  I bought this awesome baby food making appliance for the job - I was never going to get out a pot and steam basket and blender, so I bought a nifty, idiot-proof, time-saving appliance (it should be a parenting commandment - know thyself).  While it was steaming her carrots, I made a healthy salad for dinner, did the dishes, and responded to a few lagging items in my inbox.  I felt amazing - parental (and personal) success.

So, I am learning to cut myself slack, to let go of parental failures, and when I'm in the middle of one, I'm trying to remember that a better day is always just around the corner.

Another post on husbands

Actually, this one is really more about the idea of soul mates.  Someone I sort of know posted this on Facebook, it showed up in my news feed, I read it, it resonated, and I am posting it here.  Yay for social networking.  Or something like that.  See what you think.

My husband is not my soul mate.

The nursery

Today we left Hannah in the nursery at church for the first time.  It was hard for me, harder than I thought it would be.  I clutched our little pager throughout the service, wanting to make sure that if my girl needed me, I got to her right away.

But it didn't go off.  She did great - played on the floor and jumped in a jumper and was rocked and snuggled and loved by the volunteering women.  By women who weren't me.

I found this reality to be both comforting and scary.  Comforting for obvious reasons - my girl was safe and happy and I got to enjoy and focus on a church service without keeping one eye on her for the first time since she was born (this time I just had an eye on the pager).

But it was scary too.  I started thinking about all of the other people who will have influence over my daughter's life - Sunday school teachers, school teachers, small group leaders, coaches, babysitters, friends...the list goes on.  And I thought about all of the people who played those roles in my life, and the positive (and some negative) impressions they left.

So I started praying, for wise teachers, supportive coaches, kind and loving and helpful and encouraging friends.  And someday, for a husband who fulfills the requirements described in my previous post and more.

And I prayed for myself, and for Alex, that we would be parents who recognized and pursued our God-given calling to raise our daughter, but also parents that acknowledged our daughter's need for other relationships, for other mentors, for other teachers in her life.  I feel this deep need to watch over my little girl, which I know is a good and important and necessary feeling.  But if taken too far, I can easily see how it could manifest as a need to control her, to coddle her, to keep from experiences that may hurt her, and that is not the kind of parent I want to be.

So next week, we will take our girl to the nursery again, and I will thank God for loving and kind women who gave up their Sunday morning to love my daughter and keep her safe.  And I will try to clutch that pager just a little less tightly.

What to look for in a husband

It's been too long since I've posted here.  I've thought of lots of things I want to say and share and write down for posterity...but I always seem to think of them right before bed with no time to post.  This one stuck though, so I wanted to share.

The title of this post is bold, I know, but I've been thinking about this topic in light of a few upcoming marriages (namely my brother and my brother-in-law) and seeing a lot more of my husband (yay for the end of track season!).  Alex is all of these things to me, and I love being married to him.

So, here it goes...10 things to look for in a husband.

1. Someone who is crazy about you - this is critically important, because let's be honest, we all have our crazy moments, and it's going to take someone completely nuts about you to stick with you through a meltdown or two...per week.  Or day.
2. Someone you can't imagine living without - how would you feel if you could never see or talk to or touch this person again?  If the thought makes you suffocate a little bit (or a lot), I think that's a good sign.
3. Someone who makes you laugh - Duh.  Life is hard.  You want someone funny by your side.
4. Someone who thinks you are pretty funny too - this might be more important than #3, because as much as I love laughing at my husband's jokes, I think I love it more when he laughs at mine :)
5. Someone who gets your juices going - it doesn't have to heart-stopping, knee-weakening, I-want-to-suck-your-face every minute of every day...but it should be sometimes.
6. Someone who knows what you need when you need it, or is willing to put the time and effort into figuring it out - you want someone who "gets you", who reads you well, who knows when you need a break or when you need a hug.  This one may take a little time, and he won't always get it right, but he should try.  (And so should you, by the way)
7. Someone you work well with - running a family sometimes feels like running a small business - bills, to-do lists, errands.  You guys are business partners in life, so find someone you would want to work with, because you'll have to.  For like 50+ years (God-willing).
8. Someone who shares your spiritual worldview - You can compromise (and learn new things) if you like to read books for hours and he'd rather mountain bike, but there's no compromising if you believe in God and he doesn't.
9. Someone who has a similar decision-making style - This isn't a "must-have" but it has been handy for us.  We both make decisions relatively quickly and based on the same priorities.  It would be tough if he deliberated for days (or months or years) and I was ready to pull the trigger yesterday.
10. Someone you want to raise your children - you really can't (and shouldn't try to) raise a child by yourself - sometimes (a lot of times) you'll need a break, and you want someone to take over who will give it everything they have and then some.

So there you have it - my top ten things to look for in a husband.  And I found a guy with every one of them.  I am so blessed.

Choices

I've heard people say that life is a series of choices, and for me, right now, in this stage of life, I am totally aware of my choices.  I spend all day making lots of little choices.

For example, the baby was sleeping late this morning - yesterday was a tough day with very little napping, but she paid me back with a fantastic night's sleep - and I had a choice.  I could get out of bed and take a shower, or stay in bed and catch some extra sleep.  Since I went to bed at 9:00 last night and I hadn't showered in a few days, I chose the shower.  Good choice.

Then after the shower, I had to choose between doing my hair and eating breakfast in peace.  I chose breakfast.  Again, good choice.  My hair went crazy in the humidity outside anyways.

And now, I chose blogging over doing the dishes in the kitchen, figuring that dishes don't require focus and I could do them while the baby was awake (she's napping now).

With a baby to care for, a job to do, and a house to manage, I have seen the end of procrastination in my life.  There is no putting things off until later, because "later" is unpredictable.  All I can do is make choices about how to use the time I have right now.  This minute.  And I don't always make the right choice - staying up late to watch Friday Night Lights + baby awake early the next morning = rough day  - but I'm learning.  And most of the time, I'm really loving it :)

Times flies

I can't believe Hannah will be three months old on Sunday.  I feel like the first two months were long, but now it's like I took her two month pictures last week....and it's been a whole month.

I realized I haven't done anything really to capture her development, so I'm going to take some notes here, mostly for my own future reference, because I want to remember all of her little achievements.

So, at nearly three months, Hannah:

• Swats - this was one of her most fun early skills.  She loves to lie under her play gyms and swat at objects overhead, particularly those that make noise like clacking or rattling or jingling.
• Tracks objects - this was probably her earliest "skill".  If I hold a toy in front of her on the right, and slowly move it to the left, she follows it with her eyes.
• Sucks her fist - I don't think this is technically a skill, but since she discovered that her hands are attached to her, she has loved to put them in her mouth.  Sometimes she uses one hand to shove the other hand further in her mouth - the classic double fist.
• Grabs - she is currently honing this particular skill.  At first, she would unintentionally grab my shirt while she nursed, or my hair while I held her, but now I can hold a toy out for her, she'll reach for it, and after a few tries, she'll grab it and pull it to her mouth.  Her favorite toys are a little elephant rattle and a piece of polka dot crinkle paper.
• Smiles - I have so many pictures of her smiling, but I think some of my favorite smiles are in the morning or after a nap.  We can come to the side of her crib, say her name and "good morning" and she lights up.  I like to think that she's thinking, "Hooray, you found me!  You came for me!"
• Holds a "conversation" - she makes all kinds of noises these days, and oftentimes if I make noises or talk back to her, she'll respond with other noises like we're having a conversation.  The best time to do this is on her changing table (after she's clean of course).
• Rolls to her side - she's just starting to do this, and it's mostly in her crib before or after a nap.  Right now, she's rolling to her right side primarily.
• Superman - this is proof that tummy time is working.  She can lift her head, shoulders, and chest off the ground, while lifting her legs in the air, making her look like Superman.  She still doesn't relish tummy time, but now that she can pop her head up and look around (a big deal considering she got giant head genes from both mom and dad), she's tolerating it better.
• Sleeps through the night - she regularly gets a solid 8-9 hour block of sleep at night, usually from 8pm - 5am.  It's not every night, but it is most nights, and it is amazing.  Also, she's getting a lot better about going to bed without a fight, which makes the whole experience more fun for everyone.  Lastly, she just started sleeping in her crib at night.  As in, she did it last night for the first time.

What a big girl she is already.  On tough days or during fussy times, I try to remind myself that these days are short.  Before I know it, she'll be walking and talking and I'll miss these days when she just wants to be held.

Zzzzzz

It's been too long since I posted here - lots of pictures on the other blog, but this is where I like to take time to record my thoughts and experiences, and I haven't done that recently.

This morning, I have both the time and energy to blog here because (drumroll, please) Hannah slept through the night!  Through. The. Night.  And I mean, the whole night.

She went down at 8:00, woke up for a sleepy feeding at 9:00 and didn't wake up again until 6:30.  That's 9.5 hours baby.  My boobs were killing me but it was worth it.  I feel incredible.

I have to give a shout out to my friend Katie Boscarino for inspiring me to start changing my routines for putting her down.  First, we started her sleep routine a little earlier, so we weren't rushed.  She got a bath, a book, a boob, some rocking and a song, turned on her white noise machine and set her down, drowsy, but awake.

Normally, I'd rock her until she fell asleep, and then try to set her down as delicately as possible without waking her up.  A tough task.  This time, I just set her down, gave her a pacifier, and stepped out of the room.  When she fussed, I went back in, gave her the pacifier back (she spat it out), and left again.  She fell asleep. On her own.  Hallelujah!

Now she is down for a nap, but this nap is special, because she is in her crib for the first time.  I'm not quite ready for her to sleep in her room at night, but (again, thanks Katie) maybe if she starts napping in there sometimes, I'll start feeling better about moving her in there full time.

I have to say, I feel pretty...victorious today.  I am well rested, work is going well, the house is relatively clean, and it's Friday.  Most days are not this good, so I'm going to cherish this moment :)

So stylish

I don't typically think of myself as a very stylish person, especially these days as I face the weird reality that my regular clothes don't fit yet but my maternity clothes don't exactly fit either.  Basically, I wear a lot of yoga pants.

However, one of my mom's very kind and lovely friends gave me a Kate Spade gift card when Hannah was born - I guess she figured purses fit no matter what size you wear :)  So last week on a trip to the outlets, I stopped in to look around.  Alex stayed outside with Hannah in the stroller, but I carried the diaper bag into the store.

As I was glancing at all of the beautiful bags, a Kate Spade employee stopped me.  She says:
"I love your bag! Where did you get it?"
"Umm it's a diaper bag.  I got it at Target...I think it's made by Carters."
"Seriously?  It is so cute!  Did you get it recently?  I could use that around campus."

So although I walked out of the store without making a purchase, I still felt super stylish toting my diaper bag :)

Returning to the world

I have spent the vast majority of the past 6 weeks in our house, and most of that time with my behind on the couch holding the baby or feeding the baby or watching the baby sleep.  I do get outside every day to walk the dog, but I hadn't ventured anywhere in a car by myself until last weekend.  After those successful trips, I felt like we were on a roll, so to keep up the momentum this week, Hannah and I ventured to the grocery store, the doctor's office, AND Target!

All three trips went well - Hannah slept most of the time and only cried a little bit in the line at the grocery and in the car.  Success!

The interesting part of these trips for me though was how...disorienting it was to be out in the world again.  It felt like sensory overload - so much to look at, so many people.  I might as well have been in Times Square.

I was trying to move through the stores really quickly, which I'm sure contributed to this feeling, but I wasn't expecting to feel so...out of sorts after just six weeks.  I actually commented to Alex afterwards that the lights in Target seemed brighter than usual.  Eek.

So this is a sign.  The time has come to start figuring out our new "normal" and it cannot be limited to the walls of my house.  The weather is getting nice, the baby is getting big, and I am losing my social skills.  We have to get out more :)

Our first adventure

As I posted on our family blog, this weekend was full of adventures for Miss Hannah and me - our first track meet and our first trip to church for Easter.

What I didn't post was some of the dramatics that went on behind the scenes.

Saturday morning everything was going really well - the dog was walked, the car was loaded, the diaper bag was packed with extra outfits, lots of changing supplies, hand sanitizer...you get the idea.  I was prepared.

I got Hannah all strapped in to her car seat, jumped in the front seat and we headed out.  She was doing great, staying calm...until we hit a stoplight.  Then the wailing began.

There was no way I was going to make the 35 minutes drive to the meet with her wailing like that and completely unable to comfort her.  So, I found a parking lot, we pulled over, and I jumped in the back seat to come to her rescue.  I changed her, rocked her, got her out in the fresh air, and she fell asleep.

Until I put her back in her car seat.

This time, I wised up.  Instead of pulling her out, I pulled the whole car seat out and swung her like a (really heavy) swing next to the car.  After a few minutes of that, success!  She went to sleep and stayed asleep for the whole drive.  The whole adventure took an extra 30 minutes or so, but we made it!

Our amazing bodies

 By "our" I mean all women everywhere.  Being pregnant, and then recovering from giving birth, has given me a whole new appreciation for God's design of our bodies.  First of all, I grew a human inside of me.  A whole new person.  Who would have guessed that this:

could come out of this:

Whoa.

Second, after that seemingly impossible feat occurred, I never could have imagined how quickly my body would start to feel like my body again.  Mostly because I gained a lot of weight while I was pregnant.  A lot.  Like 45 pounds, which is exactly 10 lbs more than is "recommended" for women of average BMI before pregnancy.  I was a whale.

The amazing thing is that within two weeks, 25 of those pounds went away (well, 9 lbs came out as a baby, but you get my point), and a little more goes away every day.

Thirdly, my beautiful (big) girl is getting bigger every day eating only the food my body produces.  What an amazing system!

God really knew what he was doing when he designed women's bodies, and I have never appreciated that more than I do now!

Don't cry over spilled milk

I was prepared for certain things required when caring for a newborn.  I knew how to change her diaper (although I'll admit there are waaaay more diapers than I ever imagined, and sometimes they come in faster succession than I thought possible), I knew how to carry her while supporting her head, and I knew sometimes she would cry and we'd have to figure out how to soothe her.

Breastfeeding was a total mystery.  Honestly, Hannah is the expert and I just provide the equipment.  I prepared as best I could - took the class, did the reading, bought the supplies - but there is one thing I didn't prepare for.

I am constantly covered in milk.

Maybe my girl is a messy eater, but between her dripping, me leaking, and her spitting up, I am finding milk to be a new part of my wardrobe 24/7.  Some times are worse than others - once she spat milk in my face, and then I repaid the favor by spraying her before she could get her mouth open (not on purpose of course...at least not consciously).

I have started using multiple burp cloths more like drop cloths covering me and her and whatever piece of furniture we are sitting on, because if I don't, there will be milk.  If anyone has a better way, please, tell me.  My washing machine will thank you.

So we had a baby...

Sometimes I still can't believe it.  Sometimes I still look at her and think, where did you come from little one?  Sometimes it feels so overwhelming - this tiny person completely relying on us for her most basic needs and knowing that our lives have changed so dramatically.  It's a lot to process, and all on less sleep and more hormones than ever.

I look at her and I can't even imagine her getting bigger.  I know she will - she's already outgrown her newborn PJs - but I can't picture it.  Her life is a blank canvas of sorts, and anything could happen.  She could be a dancer or a book worm or a pianist or a world traveler or (gulp) a thrower.  She could look like me, or like Alex, or (I hope) some beautiful combination unique to her.  What kind of music will she like?  What football team will she cheer for, or will she even care about football at all?  What will her laugh sound like?

All of this amazes me, that God would use us to bring a whole new life into the world - a new soul with new dreams and new talents and God already knows.  He knows everything about her, because he made her and he already loves her so much.  And he's given us the task of teaching her about the world, about God and love and how to be a good friend...it's a big job.

There are so many moments to treasure, like this morning, snuggling together, listening to the silly noises she makes when she sleeps, watching her learn to smile and getting glimpses of her personality to come (I know they're not real smiles yet...but they will be soon!).  And she's only 2 weeks old.

My mom said that when I was born, and they first put me on her chest, she looked at me and saw this tiny person she felt like she already knew.  I didn't really feel that way - this little girl and I are still getting to know each other, and every day we learn something new.  What an incredible gift.

P.S. I am going to keep posting to both blogs - this one will be more like a journal and the other will be more like a virtual baby book for everyone to enjoy :)

Hannah is here :)

As you have probably heard, we welcomed our little baby girl Hannah Laverne into the world at 5:36 AM on February 19, 2013.   After an extra 12 days of waiting and nearly 36 hours of labor, she finally graced the world with her beautiful presence :)

More to come on her birth and the days following in future posts, but for now, I wanted to announce the start of a second blog - Hanging with the Heacocks - where I will post Hannah stories and pictures for a broader audience.  Link to that blog is here but don't get too excited - I haven't posted anything yet :)

For now, here are a few pictures to enjoy!  I know I'm biased, being her mom and all, but I think she is stunning :)

Countdown continues

But now there is an end in sight.  We saw the doctor this morning, had an ultrasound and a non-stress test to monitor the baby's heart rate and movements, as well as check the fluids and made sure the baby is still thriving.  The great news is all is well and the baby seems quite cozy in his/her current home.

The bad news is I still am not really dilated - less than a centimeter.  The other potential bad news is that the baby is already big - 9 lbs according to the ultrasound.  As a disclaimer, they said ultrasounds can be off by as much as a pound in either direction, so it's possible we still have a reasonable 8 pounder.  It is also possible we have a massive 10 pounder.  Yikes.

Primarily because of the baby's size, I am scheduled for an induction starting Sunday night and into Monday morning.  Of course, if the baby comes before then on its own, we will be thrilled, but if not, we are praying that the induction is successful and the baby isn't too big to...fit.  If it is too big, we'll have a c section.

To be honest, it was a pretty discouraging appointment - no one wants to be induced and definitely no one wants to be told to prepare for a possible c section.  However, Alex and the doctor are so right to remind me that the important thing is, one way or another, we will finally have a healthy baby in our arms in just a few short days.  We can't wait for that :)

A Watched Pot

You know what they say - a watched pot never boils - and right now, I feel like this baby is a watched pot refusing to boil.  That's right folks - no baby yet.  The doctors have assured me that I won't be pregnant forever, but it doesn't always feel that way.

I have to say, waiting for the baby to arrive has been harder than I expected, both physically and emotionally.  Physically, I am more uncomfortable than I was at any other point in this pregnancy.  My back is killing me, it's hard to breathe, and getting off the couch, getting into a car, or even going to bathroom can be quite challenging.

Emotionally, it has been tough because although I know I have no control over when this baby chooses to arrive, I still feel strangely disappointed in myself as the days tick by and nothing happens.  I can't go anywhere without someone asking me, "when are you due?" and when I say, "last week", I get bombarded with advice about how to get labor going or stories about their experiences.  I know they mean well and just want to offer encouragement, but...I haven't found it all that encouraging.

That said, Alex has been great about keeping my spirits up.  He is calling this our "bonus time" - extra time for just the two of us to hang out - and has reminded me that these days of "just us" are nearly over, and then we will have the rest of our lives to celebrate and enjoy this little person.

For those keeping score, Thursday will mark 41 weeks.  If the baby isn't here by then, the doctor will do some tests (an ultrasound and non-stress test) to make sure the baby is still thriving in its current home.  If it is and all is functioning well, they will let me go another week.  If the baby isn't here by 42 weeks (Feb. 21), I'll need to be induced.  We're praying praying praying that the baby comes on it's own before that point!

Due Date

Well, today is the baby's official due date.  I can't believe it's really here.  It doesn't mean the baby will be here of course, but the date that we've prayed about and anticipated and talked about is finally here.  I woke up this morning, turned to Alex and said, "the baby is due today."  Alex, my loving, compassionate husband, who knows how anxious I am to get this baby out into the world, turned to me and said, "well, the baby is not a library book."  Good point.

I laughed at the comment, but as I've been thinking about it this morning, he's right - the baby is not predictable like a library book.  I have absolutely no control over when this baby arrives.  It shouldn't surprise me - I've had no control over what's been happening in my body for the past 40 weeks - if I did, I might have done something to feel like less of a whale.  The point is, why would this day be any different?

For me as a believer, there is actually a lot of comfort in that.  After all, God has been in control this whole time - he has grown this baby from a tiny cell into a full human, and a strong one I might add.  He has taken care of me and my health and kept us safe.  He has turned my body into the perfect home for this growing baby, with all of the supplies the baby needed to grow into a complex and unique little person.  His timing has been perfect all along - and it is that testimony that keeps me from getting (too) anxious as the hours of this day tick by.

The baby may still come today - it's not even noon yet - but if it doesn't, that will be okay too.  One way or another, this baby is coming soon and whenever it does, we will be ready!

Pregnancy Tips

I'm sure this list will grow as I think of more things over time, but before the baby gets here, and chaos ensues, I thought I'd post this list of pregnancy tips I've been compiling.  If my mom friends have anything to add, definitely leave it in the comments! So, in no particular order, a few tips:

1. Buy maternity clothes at Old Navy, especially when they have clearance events.  I didn't even know Old Navy sold maternity clothes, because they only sell them online.  However, lots of people leave really helpful reviews and I haven't been disappointed.  I probably wouldn't buy jeans (just because I wear jeans all the time and like to know they are comfortable and fit well before I buy them), but definitely cute tops, yoga pants, coats, etc.
2. Always keep Tums at arm's length.  I never had heartburn before pregnancy, but oh boy, I do now.  I have them by my bed, in my purse, and in the kitchen. Tums are a good source of calcium too - bonus!
3. Read to your belly.  This is one of my favorite things to do these days - sit on the couch or bed surrounded by lots of pillows reading to the baby.  It is the greatest and the baby seems to like it too.
4. If your feet swell, don't be afraid of compression socks.  I finally broke down and bought two pairs, because I knew we had a few days of lots of walking ahead, and they were lifesavers.
5. Take your rings off early.  I did, but then I made the mistake of putting them back on.  Still not sure what to do about the one that's still stuck...
6. Take all of the classes your hospital offers.  We learned so much, and it provided some comradely with other expecting parents who have the same fears and anxieties we do.  Plus, it made breastfeeding seem less....weird and scary.
7. Subscribe to Lucie's List.  The mom who writes Lucie's List is hilarious, honest, and helpful.  She writes about the things you want to know but are too afraid to ask, as well as the handy tips that can save you time and money as you are buying baby gear, etc.

That's all I can think of for now, but I'll post more follow up as it comes to me!

Date

We are one week from Herbie's due date!  Which means we could be days (or hours) away, or we could still have up to three weeks to wait.  As you can imagine, the anticipation is intense :)

We are trying to take advantage of our last few days/weeks as non-parents by sleeping in, spending time together, and going on a few dates.  Yesterday was unusually warm in the 'burg, so we decided to walk to a nearby restaurant for dinner, and then pick up some frozen yogurt on our way home.  It was so much fun :)

I loved being able to just walk out the door and head to dinner, take our time strolling home, and be able hold hands instead of push a stroller or hold a dog leash.  We are about to have our entire lives and routines turned upside down, and although I know that being a mom will come with more joy and love than I can comprehend, I am really glad to have the chance to cherish these times with Alex.  It will never be just the two of us again, and I don't want to forget how special this time has been for us :)

The waiting game.

Today marks 38 weeks and another trip to the doctor!  Baby still seems to be doing quite well - strong heartbeat, moving around a lot, and settled into the head-down position, which is great.  Every week now they are checking to see if I've made any...progress, you know, down there.

No dilating yet, and the doctor's estimate (with the disclaimer that she could be wrong of course) is that I still have another 2-3 weeks to go, which is to be expected I guess, as that is our due date.  I'm just praying this little one isn't too late - if I get to two weeks late, I'll have to be induced, which would be a big bummer.

That said, there is no reason to worry about that yet.  I am just trying to enjoy these last few weeks, get lots of rest, do some cooking, catch up on reading, and all of those things I won't be able to do for a little while as we adjust to life as parents.

Here's to hoping this baby got mom's punctuality gene :)

Maternity Photos!

A few weeks ago (36.5 weeks along), Alex and I had some maternity pictures taken around the W&M campus.  There are several photos from the photographer on FB, but I'll post several here too.

Although this is a little farther along than I would ideally have these photos taken (let's face it - smaller bumps are cuter bumps), I'm still really glad we did it :)  We're also using this photographer for newborn photos, which I am quite excited about as well!

Almost there.

Today marks 37 weeks, which means this baby is officially considered full term and could come at any time!  First-timers (or rookies, as my doctor called me) don't usually come early, and are often late, but it is crazy exciting to know that if the baby did decide to show early, that would be okay and safe and healthy.

Frankly, it would be quite alright with me if this baby did come a week or two early, mostly because being pregnant is becoming increasing uncomfortable.  Don't get me wrong - I will miss feeling the baby move in my belly, and the excuse to always wear elastic-waisted pants and crocs, and the reality that strangers are nicer to me because I am pregnant.  But I will not miss the swollen feet, stiff knees, and sore back that have overtaken me in the last 2-3 weeks.

The other day as Alex and I were getting ready to leave the house, I was trying to put on my shoes - they are crocs, but they are ankle boots, so they are tougher to slip on than my regular ugly crocs.  After much groaning, I finally had to have Alex put them on for me.  Afterwards, I bent over to do something with the dog, and Alex said, "Don't worry, I'll get that," to which I replied, "No it's okay, I'll get it."  His response: "You can't even put on your shoes."  Fair point.

The Gypsy Woman

Okay, so it wasn't actually a gypsy - it was a really nice woman cutting Alex's hair - but let me explain why we're calling her that.

On Friday after the doctor, we stopped to get Alex a hair cut (usually I cut his hair, but we were having pictures taken Sunday and it was too much pressure!).  When we walked in, the stylist says, "now when is that baby due? You look ready to pop!", to which I said "four more weeks", to which she said, "oh no, you'll have that baby by the end of next week."

Now, this is not an unusual conversation for me - everyone seems surprised when I tell them how long I have yet - but what came next was very strange indeed.

As Alex is getting his hair cut, she asked him the usual questions - what are you having, do you have names picked out, etc.  He told her we had opted not to find out and we haven't shared our names with anyone.

As he's walking out to pay, I stood up and asked her what she thought it would be (people love to guess based on how I'm carrying).  She said "It's a girl - you're carrying too low for a boy.  A girl by the end of next week.  And I'm just going to take a guess at the names.  If it's a girl, I'm saying ABC and if it's a boy I'm saying XYZ."

I'm not telling you the names she guessed because SHE GUESSED THE GIRL NAME RIGHT!  And although the boy name wasn't right, it was definitely in the same...genre.  How crazy is that??  So if she ends up being right, and we have a girl by the end of next week, we'll definitely have to go back for more hair cuts/prophesies, haha.

36 weeks

Quick update from the doctor today - all is looking good!  I am measuring 37 inches at 36 weeks (the guideline is one inch per week, so 36 inches for 36 weeks, but this is within the normal range).  Baby's heartbeat was 150, nice a strong as always, and he/she is already head down, which is really good!

The doctor also commented on how active the baby seems to be, meaning moving around more than most.  Not sure how that carries over to life outside my belly, but for now I am just grateful that the little squirmy worm always lets me know it's in there!

We are going to the doctor every week now to check progress - as he said, we're getting a baby one way or another some time in the next 6 weeks!

Joy

I've been thinking a lot recently about joy - not happiness, but joy.  I've always thought of joy much differently than happiness.  Joy is something to experience deeply, less of an emotion and more of a feeling in your bones, rooted in gratitude and love.  I would suggest that we can have joy, even when we don't feel happy.

I think in the piles of to-do lists and chores and work, I have been distracted from focusing on the joy in our lives, and the even-more-incredible joy that is on its way, in the form of this little baby.  And since joy is not dependent on my happiness, I can have joy, even when I feel  overwhelmed or frustrated or just plain tired.

So that's my goal for these next few weeks leading up the baby's arrival - experience joy, express joy, remember joy, and anticipate even greater joy.  These are the last few weeks I'll ever have being pregnant with this child - I want to enJOY it :)

(Not) Ready

Our baby is due in one month.  Just one more month to prepare and wait and plan and do everything we need to do to be ready for this baby's arrival in the world.

I was struck today by the reality that I don't actually feel all that ready.  You would think that after nine months of preparations, I'd feel ready for anything, but truth be told, I don't.

From a practical perspective, we're almost ready - we've got probably two or three more shopping trips, two more hospital classes, bags to pack, and a few other things on the "to-do" list, but that's it.  Sounds manageable for a month, right?

So when I say that I don't feel ready, it's not in the physical sense - it's in the other senses.  Emotionally, how do I prepare for the stress of labor and the joy of meeting our child in person for the first time?  Mentally, how do I prepare to manage total exhaustion when, at most, I start getting 2-3 consecutive hours of sleep?  Spiritually, how do I prepare adequately for parenting, God's latest calling on my life, and for the spiritual battle that I know will be waged for this child's soul?

And then I had another thought.

Maybe, my lack of confidence in my own "readiness" is a chance for God to show his power in my life more clearly.  Since I know how limited and how unready I feel, I'll know that any strength or wisdom or peace I experience comes directly from God's power and not my own preparations.

Chris Tomlin has a powerful new song on the radio right now, and lyrics of the chorus bring me a lot of comfort when I am feeling small and unprepared for the great task God is giving us.

I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side.
The One who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side.

Christmas Break

This Christmas was quiet around the Heacock house - probably our last quiet Christmas...ever :)  We still had a lot of fun though, just the 3.8 of us.  Here are a few pictures from the break!

Leonidas got to open his stocking Christmas morning and seems to be enjoying his new chewy, treats, and extendable leash!

I made a big dinner for the two of us - pot roast, green beans, cornbread stuffing, crab cakes with red pepper remoulade, and pumpkin pie.  We set up our little Christmas table with new placemats Alex gave me for Christmas - I love a festive table!

To cap off our Christmas celebrations, we visited Christmas Town at Busch Gardens!  We saw a show, visited some penguins, rode the train and gondella, and just generally enjoyed the beautiful light displays.

Leonidas even got to enjoy some time out on the town - who knew running errands could be so much fun? :)